A recount

Feb. 22, 2022

This is a recount of my experience with Dadio (aka Dad) before he committed suicide on February 23.  Details are being added as I remember them while moving through the grieving process.  If you decide to read further, thank you for reading my story.  This is a critical part of my healing process.  And, in case you're wondering, I am very blessed in my life. Despite this tragedy, I am truly grateful for how wonderful my life has been and continues to be.

Feb 8:

Dad arrived in Seattle on the early eve of Feb 8th.  He rented a car and drove to my home in North Seattle from the Seatac airport.  His arrival was a surprise to me.  He had been promising to come but never knew when exactly.  This time, he showed up and what a wonderful surprise it was.

Dad pulled into my driveway as I was just returning home from walking my dog.  He got out of the car and it seemed that Nia, our standard poodle, was more eager to greet him than I.  But when I finally got to Dad I held him tightly as I noticed he had a soft shake happening throughout his body.  I felt that it was fear and nervous energy aching to be released.  I hugged him again, then touched his face on both sides, before hugging him one more time.  I wanted him to know how much I loved him and how happy I was that he was finally in Seattle.  I helped him with his bag and brought him into the house.  I announced his presence to the family and Artina, my daughter, jumped up to hug him.  Dominique, my son, came downstairs to give him a hardy hug.  Myra, my partner, slowly lifted herself off the couch to also give him a welcoming hug.  Myra had reached her nearly 4th month in recovery from a stroke in early November 2014.

After the greeting, Dad stood nervously behind the living room chair, leaning on the back of it. I told him to sit down and relax as I sat down on the couch across from him.  He hesitantly sat down and we made light conversation before he became engrossed in the TV just enough to put him to sleep.  Barely nodding his head as sleep took over, Dad's head dropped into his chest as his breathing slowed and his body relaxed more into the chair.  After a couple hours, the rest of us retired to bed while we left Dad sleeping peacefully in the chair.  We didn't want to wake him since it was apparent this may have been the best rest he's had in a long while.

Feb 9:

The next morning, Dad asked, "Was I talking in my sleep last night?  Did I say anything?" He seemed concerned as we described the inaudible grumbling he made occasionally while he slept.  Artina and I chuckled when we heard it the night before, thinking nothing of it really.  But it was clear Dad  was concerned if he had done anything out of the ordinary while he was sleeping.  He hadn't.

Later that morning, I drove Dad to the Seattle VA Hospital per his request.  We used his car but interestingly, he took pictures of his license plate.  He said he felt he would end up staying for a while and he wanted to make sure I didn’t lose the car and could get back home.  During our ride to the VA, Dad and I had a very deep conversation.  He shared his concerns about "things unraveling" and how my impression of him might change if something bad happened.  When I reassured him that there was nothing that could stop me from loving him deeply, he questioned me, "What if I killed someone."  At that point, I still reassured him that I would love him anyway and that I would seek to understand what drove him to do that.  He said he was relieved to hear this and confirmed that he had not killed anyone.  This was another red flag for me. Dad was clearly struggling and I was determined to do everything I could to get him the help he needed. 

When we got to the ER, Dad grew concerned about waiting too long in the ER to see someone.  To shorten the wait, he confessed to having chest pain.  They took him back almost immediately after hearing this and decided to keep him overnight for observation.  Soon after being admitted he asked to see a psychologist while he was there.  He described all the pressure and stress he was under and wanted to see a psychologist.  He described "shooting thoughts" he was having and wanted to get an EEG to see what was going on in his brain.  I stayed with him and asked for a psychologist several times as well. He was told that stress was likely causing the chest pain.  He informed his doctors and nurses that he had PTSD and wanted to see someone to discuss what he was mentally experiencing.  He was told it would be better for him to see his doctor in the Jackson VA in Mississippi, who was more closely monitoring his condition.  Despite being told this, when Dad was moved to his hospital room from ER, he again asked the doctors and nurses if he could see a psychologist.  He was again told to see his doctor in Jackson. 

Dad was quite antsy when I left him that night.  He asked me to bring his razor and toothbrush the next morning so he could get cleaned up.  He was very concerned about his hygiene and looks.  

Feb 10:

The next morning, I pulled aside the nurse and doctor.  I described in detail about some bouts with PTSD Dad was facing based on stories my mother told and based on my personal experiences.  I described my own fear of him unintentionally hurting me or my family in the middle of the night.  I was very clear that Dad was suicidal and was capable of hurting others and needed to see a psychologist immediately.  I literally begged the nurse to ensure he could see a psychologist before being discharged that day, and I later begged the doctor (via phone) to let Dad see a psychologist.  I shared the conversation in the car where he asked me if I would still love him if he killed someone to help validate my concern.  The nurse noted this, and then asked me to leave her so she could talk to Dad alone.  I later learned from Dad and the nurse that she asked Dad if he was suicidal or thinking of hurting anyone to which Dad replied, "No."  Based on Dad's response, they did not see a need to let Dad see a psychologist.  And in fact, it was soon after this discussion with her and the doctor that Dad was discharged with a letter for the airline stating he had been admitted into the VA hospital, a note with the VA Crisis hotline telephone number, and a promise from the Social Worker that a note was sent to the Jackson VA to follow-up with Dad to make a mental health appt.  We also received some education papers on PTSD and Suicide with the discharge notes. 

Once Dad was discharged, I took him, by the hand, to the Mental Health building on the Seattle VA campus.  I was determined to find another path for him to see a pschologist. I asked the receptionist if they could see Dad immediately.  They said No but that Dad could get a psychiatric evaluation in the ER, the place we had just left.  Dad was resistant to go but again, I took him by the hand, and guided him back the ER we were just in less than 24 hours prior.  I filled out the form requesting a psychiatric evaluation.  While we waited, Dad got nervous.  He expressed a concern about his name being flagged in the system for a mental health condition and they could detain him and keep him from flying, could mess up his job with the Veteran Affairs office, etc.  He was very concerned about the image he would have by requesting a psychiatric evaluation.  The concern was very real for Dad and he feared he had made a huge mistake by being there.  This concern carried into the conversation we eventually had with the psychiatric social worker once we were brought back in ER.  The social worker expressed her confusion having seen that Dad was just there the night before and back again for a psychiatric evaluation.  Dad stated, "Well, my daughter dragged me here because she's very worried about me.  See, my mother passed in October and I've had a lot of stress with the family dynamics as we've been working on my parents' estate."  The social worker seemed to relate to the stress Dad was under and stated, "PTSD can flare up when situations are more stressful than usual."  She then asked me why was I concerned and I told her that Dad had never been this way before in my life, that this was very serious and that I was afraid for his life.  She then turned to Dad, who was lying on a bed in front of us, and asked him if he was suicidal or could he hurt someone.  Dad again said "No."  I dropped my head and started crying and again begged the social worker to "..please please help my Dad."  She then attempted to console me saying the situation Dad was in was normal and he was simply grieving and going through typical family affairs after the death of a parent.  She then advised Dad to see his doctor in Jackson to help get the PTSD in control.  Once again, Dad was discharged.

That night I tried to get Dad to go back to the VA or a different, private hospital but he said he was too weak and wasn't sure he could admit he was suicidal.  He was still afraid of the stigma that would go with it.  I asked him again after a while of talking and he said he wanted to rest. 

Feb 11:

Dad shared he regretted not going back to the hospital the night before.  I convinced him to stay in Seattle with me and the family for a few more days.  I invited him to go to Tempe, AZ with me on a pre-planned trip or let me cancel my trip so that I could stay with him in Seattle.  He really did not want me to cancel my trip so promised he would stay in Seattle until I returned on Feb 15.

Feb 12 – Feb 13:

I left for Tempe and Dad stayed in Seattle with my partner and kids and helped with family activities.  We spoke several times a day.

Feb 14:

Dad returned to Mississippi in response to a call from his sister who asked him to come home for an honorary dinner for his mother's birthday.  I was scheduled to return one day later on Feb 15.  

Feb 16:

Dad was called by the Seattle VA to set up a mental health appt.  When they learned he was from Mississippi towards the end of the call, they canceled the appt they had just made and told him to contact the Jackson VA to schedule an appt.  They informed Dad, again, as was stated in ER and in the hospital, that his records from the Jackson VA needed to be transferred to Seattle VA before he could be seen in Seattle.  My family later learned the follow-up request was not sent correctly to the Jackson VA as promised.  Instead, it was sent to the Seattle VA Mental Health dept to follow-up with Dad. 

Feb 18:

My concern for Dad grew more and more as time passed while he was in Mississippi.    His paranoia was increasing and he was describing concerns about being detained at the airport for looking and acting suspicious.  He also shared a concern about being stuck in a window seat and becoming suspicious because he needed to get up a lot.  On this day, I called the VA crisis hotline with a plea for help letting them know Dad was suicidal.  I told them I needed advice to get Dad help and that I preferred the VA go and check on him.  They said they couldn't go check on or pick up Dad and that I would need to call 911 and describe his plan to commit suicide.  I was also informed that if I didn't know Dad's plan to commit suicide that 911 would not dispatch.  Dad had not described a plan to me but I informed the person on the phone that Dad had several guns in his home.  She said that unless I knew his intention to use one of those guns to kill himself, I would not get a response from 911.  She said the best she could do was call Dad.  I accepted her proposal and gave her Dad's number and waited.  When I next talked to Dad, he informed me that the VA Crisis line had called him and had given him more support numbers to call.  He didn't call.

Feb 20:

I purchased Dad an airline ticket to return to Seattle on Feb 21.  I talked to him on and off throughout the night to convince him to get on the plane.  He was struggling to make his way to the airport.  He expressed a lot of hesitancy and concern about many things including needing a ride, needing to stay in Mississippi and take care of some things, fear of getting questioned at security check, concern about driving safely, etc.  He said he couldn’t explain what was going on in his head and that he wished he could.  He said that his “mind plays tricks” on him at times and that he “was getting weak”.  He begged me to cancel his flight because it was “too soon.”

Feb 21:

I text Dad again at ~5a and was relieved to hear he was heading to the airport.  He called me soon after he arrived at the airport and let me know his flight had been canceled because the pilot was sick.  His supervisor happened to be on the same flight.  They spoke to each other until they learned the flight had been canceled.  His supervisor stayed to get on the next flight later that morning. Dad didn’t stay to catch the next flight.  He expressed a real concern for looking too suspicious to security in the airport.

Feb 22:

I arrived in Columbus Mississippi to take Dad to the Jackson VA or bring him home to Seattle to get him help.  Dad refused both and said he wanted to go to work the following morning.  He was very concerned about how his clothes fit since he had lost a lot of weight.  I helped him pick out what to wear to work the next morning.  He said he wanted to get some work done that night so I left him in his home office to work.  After a couple hours, we said our good nights after he hugged me and said he was sorry for being rude to me and that he loved me.  

Feb 23:

After I lost the physical fight to keep Dad from the gun that lay on his pillow in his bed, he died from a self-inflicted gunshot into his heart at ~8a.  Before doing so, he called my Aunt Peggy and asked her to come.  I called 911.  My aunt and several police officers arrived before he pulled the trigger.  He spoke to the deputy before he killed himself.  He said that “he had tried this before and he couldn’t fail this time.”  He also said, “Tell my daughter I’m so sorry but I have to do this.”  

Feb 24:

The day after Dad committed suicide, on Feb 24, 2015, the Seattle VA called and left me a message saying they could see Dad in Mental Health in the Seattle VA.  I still have the voicemail.